Mommies without Mommies

Sometimes I feel like a motherless child…
From the moment in September I found out I was pregnant the only thing I wanted to do was talk to my mom. Unfortunately, a few weeks before that, we’d had a falling out and she hasn’t spoken to me since. I won’t get into specifics of the falling out, but the result is (from what I’ve heard from my siblings) is that I have been all but disowned. My mother no longer considers me her daughter and has cut off all contact with me. I am not expecting sympathy or judgement of any kind (and would prefer not to receive any of it,) I only wish to explain my situation.

Now I’m six months pregnant and I really feel that absence. I just don’t feel comfortable going to my mother-in-law (we’ve never been close) or my step-mother. I was incredibly close with my own mother, and even though it wasn’t the perfect relationship, it was mine. I tried to find a community where I could find a surrogate for this loss.  Sometimes this can be done (with the aforementioned MILs, Step-mothers, etc.) I scoured the online mommy boards for a connection, someone with whom I could share this experience, but I just couldn’t find anything that came near to what I needed.

So I’m what I call a mommy without a mommy. Though I know I’m lucky that my mother is still alive, the fact that we have no contact weighs heavily on me and I feel that loss immensely. Not that I’ve always dreamed of having a family and having my mom there, but whenever I did think about it she was always there. I wanted her there. And now she’s not.  There were so many things I thought I’d share. I thought I’d have the experience that came from someone who knew me all my life and had raised multiple children of her own.
I know there are other women out there who also have strained relationships with their mothers, and women who have lost their mothers.  I know I can’t be the only one wandering aimlessly through pregnancy in search of the relationship I’ve lost. So what’s a mommyless mommy to do? I spent the first 6 months of my pregnancy searching for something I couldn’t attain.

What I’ve decided to do is to write to my mother, every week. While I hold no hope for a response or a reconciliation, at least I’ll be able to talk at her if not with her. So from now on, each week I’ll send out my email, like a message in a bottle. I sent my first email yesterday. I tried to bring her up to speed on when I discovered I was pregnant, how my first trimester went, and how I currently feel. I only talked about the pregnancy & related info. I kept my tone light, tried to inject my special kind of humor (which I inherited from her) and avoided all talk about the falling out. The only mention of it was me saying basically “hey, all I’ve wanted to do since I got that  pregnant pee stick is talk to you, so I’m going to. I don’t care if you read it, delete it, whatever, but I need this for me.” And then I went on. It wasn’t very long, I tried to keep it shortish. I laughed, I cried, I rolled my eyes. And when I was done and clicked “send” at first I panicked. “What have I done?”  But, at the same time, I felt relieved, I actually felt good for doing it, empowered even. I know I say I’m not expecting her to read the email. I expect her to just delete it on site. But of course I’m too smart to completely believe that. Part of me holds out hope she might actually read it. At least she’ll have an idea of what’s happening. And that makes me feel better.

I suggest this for all mommyless mommies. Even if your mother is no longer on this earth. Mommies can write to their mommies, in a journal, in letters, however makes sense to them. I know that making this decision has freed me in some ways and the more I think about it the more I feel good about this decision. I’m already thinking about what I’ll right about next week.

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